A Gaussian Christmas

I love the sound of Christmas a(e^-(((x-b)^2)/((2c)^2)))'s.

Miracles

Some people consider birth to be a miracle of nature... personally I consider mytosis to be a greater miracle; it's much less gooey.

Expanding Your Mind

I like to push the boundaries of free speech; challenging peoples' minds to think differently, think outside the box, and see the world in a new way. Just because my efforts often take the form of "your mom" jokes doesn't make my goal any different.

Shopping

At the store today, I had to assure the lady in front of me that my purchase of agave mate, apples, bananas, and extra hot jalapeño salsa was perfectly logical.

Victoria's Secret

The Victoria's Secret commercial asks what's my fantasy? I now offer my scene-by-scene response. Yes, yes, yep, sure, yeah, I'm OK with that, yep, yeah, yes, whoa definitely, I think so, that's getting a little weird, yeah, [text block], totally.

UPS

Me - Hi, I'd like to change my delivery date.

UPS - We attempted to deliver your package today, but no one answered. We will try again tomorrow.

Me - Yes, I'd like to change my delivery date to Friday. No one will be home Monday through Thursday.

UPS - I can do that. We will attempt to deliver the package again tomorrow.

Me - I'd like to change the delivery date to Friday.

UPS - That won't be a problem. We attempt to deliver three consecutive business days, so we will try again tomorrow and the following day.

Me - Yes, but I'd like to change the date to Friday. No one will be able to pick it up until then.

UPS - Oh, you want to change the delivery date?

Me - Yes, to Friday.

UPS - Which day would you like to change it to?

Me - Friday.

UPS - There will be a charge for that.